Day 37 - You'll Never Walk Alone

I think today was a frustrating day for lots of reasons, but for me the main one is that cleo , as agreed, has to go back to the hospital tomorrow. While I know it's the right thing for her, I really don't want her to go. That of course is a selfish attitude, but one I cannot hide. We are of course still learning how to cope with things, and I would be the first to admit that we are probably not as organised as we ought to be. In time, when cleo is back home for good, i am sure we will get better routines for things, but right now it has been a little haphazard, which in itself creates work, and becomes time consuming.

While cleo is fairly settled having been home for four days, she is still liable to some rather unpredictable emotional responses. Headaches still frighten the hell out of her, with good reason, and last night she had a sort of headache and stiff neck, and she admitted to being scared of having another stroke. Now this is a common reaction, acording to various sites I have read, but nonetheless it is not easy to deal with somebody at that time. What does one say, apart from trying to reassure and comfort, and be strong, even though inside you hate to see them like that?

What if...

During this particular emotional episode, when all the "why me's", and "I am scared" stuff came out, which i had sort of been expecting, cleo then added the one thing I wasn't expecting: through all the tears came " I don't want to die, what will happen to you and the girls if I do?"
I have to say that at this point I wasn't quite sure how to react. What I did was to comfort her, and say that it was not going to happen; however, I then gave her my word of honour that should anything happen God forbid, I would see that the girls were always cared for. cleo not being here is not something I am even prepared to contemplate but if she needs that assurance then it is my place to give it, and of course, give it I will, and my word is my bond.

Tonight, cleo was still frustrated at herself, because she still felt she couldn't do anything without help. I took her into the kitchen, and stood her by the kettle, gave her the cups and she made me a coffee. A little thing, but enough to let her know she can do something, and it proves that once she is a little more adept at walking on her own she can do things for us, and no doubt will in the not too distant future. A nice little moment that was. She smiled a big smile at that.

So the time at home was both successful in terms of finding our feet, if occasionally fraught with emotion. I suppose that was to be expected. Our first venture home that Monday a couple of weeks ago showed us both that it was never going to be easy. However, we are not about to run away from the reality of the situation.

What is that reality? Well it comes down to two things: firstly the sooner that cleo is home the better, subject to successful progress from her physio and occupational therapy. Second, while it won't be easy, it's right for us that we have her here at home, where she is most comfortable, and whatever we have to do (I say we, because I include the girls in that too) to get where we need to for cleo then we will do all that, and more.

Tomorrow we will get her ready to go back, for as short a time as possible of course, and the rounds of hospital visiting starts again, at least for now. That won't be easy, but again, it's a necessary evil. She's home for New year's Eve. I look forward to that.

You'll Never Walk Alone

I will always be by cleo's side to support and help her, and the kids too, so this brilliant song says all that, and more. She will never ever walk alone, whether I am by her side supporting her to stand, or just being with her as she walks by my side. Either way I am proud to say that we are together, forever, and nothing will change that. Love you my cleo.


When you walk
Through a storm
Hold your head, up high
And don't be afraid, of the dark
'Coz at the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song
Of the lark

Walk on, through the wind
Walk on, through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed
And blown

Walk on, walk on
With hope, in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

Alone

Walk on, walk on
With hope in your hearts
You'll never walk, alone