Day 17 - Wonder Woman!

Sometimes even the smallest thing can become a major victory in the struggle to achieve a goal. We push and push, and then, almost when you least expect it, a light turns on, and that light becomes so bright it almost blinds you with it's brilliance.

One Small Step

I had agreed to get to the hospital early today to spend some extra time with cleo. Yesterday's blog described her boredom, and that is a factor right now: I have to keep her focussed on what she needs to do. She has to be pushed, through limits she doesn't even know she has yet, but without making her feel that it's all too much. There is a fine balance there, but for her sake I have to keep her enthused, and she has to be driven to try new things, and extend what she has already achieved.

The staff generally (with a couple of exceptions I have to say) see her as a fighter, and understand her frustration, allowing her to vent sometimes, and knowing that all the while that she is galvanised in this way it will continue to stimulate her, and help progress her recovery.

They generally deal with her in good humour; on arrival at the ward today I walked to her bed: empty. Spoke to one of the nurses who said he didn't know where she was. I looked on the board at the exit where patients are signed out if they leave the ward: nothing.

Then I looked again, and there was a line that said "troublemaker. physio"

Off to the gym I go, to find her working with James, and as always he is pushing her, and she is responding. Working on her balance today, and bending, as well as hand eye co-ordination, the exercises continued for almost an hour. Finally he decided they would finish the session with standing/walking exercises. Today for the first time she stood unaided, albeit slightly wobbly, but she did it. That was a victory but then, with help to stop her falling and gritting her teeth with the effort she managed to lift her left leg and take a tiny little step, all on her own.

I nearly burst into tears there and then. God, I was so proud of her. She was physically exhausted, but smiling, and she looked at me and said "I did that for you".

We are talking about the possibility still of getting her out of the hospital as early as we can, and before Christmas of course. Now I know she is fighting against the odds on this one, but frankly, if we don't set those targets we never get anywhere. James then suggested that we look later at what are known as "transfers". This is where the person physically moves themselves, in the correct way from one place to another, ie from chair to bed, and back, or from chair to car, and back, and so on. We agreed that I would get Sarah from school (Hannah was off to the dentist with her dad) and look at transfer techniques later this afternoon.

When Sarah and I arrived back at the ward James was there and with very little coaching cleo managed to transfer from wheelchair to bed, and back. James then observed cleo and I taking her to the toilet, and doing the same there: chair to toilet, and back, which is a slightly different manoeuvre as it entails standing, and turning, because of the lack of space in the toilet cubicle. James was satisfied we are more than capable of doing this too.

Tomorrow we are going to try transfer into the car. Provided this was OK he then said that he sees no reason why cleo shouldn't be let out for a few hours at the weekend, provided she promises to come back, of course!

Nobody can imagine the elation that we both felt at that moment: Just 17 days after a major stroke and this wonder woman is well enough to get out for a short while: incredible!
I looked at cleo when James had gone and said "Did he say you can go out?" "I think he did" she replied. It was a bit like dream.

There are still many obstacles to overcome of course, but the staff are really working to help on that: Matron has suggested a way that cleo can go to the toilet at night using a special kind of female urinal, that is far easier than a bed pan. We will look at that, and if thats a compromise she has to make to be at home, then we will do that.

Of course, at night when i am at work, and cleo is home Sarah will stay with her, and Matron said that there were concerns about Sarah being with cleo on her own. Well they dont know Sarah. She will be fine, and I have no doubt that cleo trusts her too.

Short term memory loss: errr what did you say?

It was also mentioned by one staff member that there had been a question about cleo's short term memory. Was she forgetting conversations she had had with people? Personally I doubt it, but something they use in stroke rehabilitation is a diary, or communication book. Anyone who has a conversation with cleo can be asked to add a note in that book. That way we KNOW when this has happened. cleo too can add her notes and thoughts, and that in itself is a good idea, as so far we have not tested her ability to write, or communicate with the written word. This in itself will be good therapy.

Cleo is adamant that she can remember, but to be safe I suggested we use the book, and that way there is no question.

So after all this it's off to the cafe for coffee, and we sit mulling over the days events, still not quite believing that she can have a few hours out at the weekend. She is already making plans to do all the christmas shopping on Saturday. No chance girl! We have agreed she will just come home for a couple of hours, and relax with us, and as long as she doesn't ask me to let her stay!

We still have to be objective here, and get her as prepared as possible for home; to that end tomorrow is a big day too. Occupational Therapy are visiting the house to look at how we might manage with cleo there. They will suggest and sort any temporary aids and changes that might be needed before she comes home. They have also ordered cleo her own wheelchair, which we should have soon.

So, things are moving well, and little by little this woman is dragging herself back to normality, facing up to the difficulties she will no doubt have to encounter in the next few weeks and months, and even permanently.

She is a shining example to anyone, in that if you really want it bad enough, you can get it, however hard it may seem.

Deep inside me is a candle...

I talked about the light coming on, and becoming a blinding light at the start of today's post.
A couple of years ago I wrote a poem that right now I think sums up that notion:

Deep inside me is a candle
Burning clear as starry night
But while it stays alone inside me
It is such a little light

I wait for one to touch me
Who can light the love in here
Make it burn like supernova
Make it burn like sunlight clear

Take this little light of loving
Make it shine out of the grey
Like a million shining fireflies
At the closing of the day

Turn the glimmer in the shadows
To a starburst in the sky
With a little of your loving
As a comet flying by

As the candle deep inside me
Becomes a searing flame so bright
It is fuelled by the true love
That turned darkness into light

published in the anthology "Across the Skies" (Forward Press) 2003

and finally.. because I can ( some people who read this will know about that!) I phoned her secretly on her mobile tonight before she went to bed, just to say "goodnight". We miss that and I have to say, it felt really good!!