Day 35 - Christmas at Home

Christmas Day! At home as it should be.

Christmas day marked exactly 5 weeks since cleo had her stroke. To be honest after such a dense stroke it's amazing that she has made such progress to be allowed home. Three weeks ago when we were saying we would be better off at home, we didn't know then what we do now. This is not easy, and I say that not because I don't want to do it, but because we just didn't realise what is involved in moving around, and doing all the things which we all take for granted.

The girls had stayed at their father's last night and were coming home at lunchtime. This was good because it gave cleo and I some time to get ourselves organised this morning. We sat in the kitchen and had breakfast; boiled egg, toast, and tea. The last time we did that was about 30 minutes before she had the stroke.

The next hurdle to overcome was getting cleo showered. I had bought a bath board: a simple piece of equipment like a bench seat that fits over the bath allowing the user to sit in relative comfort while taking a shower. We managed to manoeuvre cleo onto this, and got her showered and hair washed. It is worth noting that every single movement needs to be planned at the moment; in time of course once we have experience of each move we will know how to do them, but for now it's very much about finding out. There will be mistakes, I think we both know that, but we are a good team, and determined that whatever we have to overcome we will.

I feel frustrated at times because i don't like having deal with "new" things unless I am practised: especially when the result of a mistake might be cleo getting hurt. Unfortunately, it is impossible to practise some of these things, and we just have to do it by trial and error. Finding the best way is not always obvious, and it is all too easy to miss something, or not remember something.

Cleo is trying so hard, and I hope that I can make her life as easy as possible, without too many traumatic moments because i have forgotten or missed something. She has to learn that if she needs something, she must ask; why should she go without a cup of tea, or whatever, just because she cannot get it herself?

So, breakfasted, dressed and sorted we started to think about cooking Christmas Dinner. The turkey was on and all the veggies prepared, and by the time the girls got home dinner was virtually ready. Before we ate we spent a nice hour opening presents, and then all sat round the kitchen table to eat. Dinner was good. Cleo promised me that as I had cooked it this year she would return the favour next year.

Done Deal girl!

Emotionally charged...

I find right now that even the smallest thing sets my emotions off: a word, a song, even a thought. I think cleo is the same too and we have these moments at present where almost without warning one or both of us ends up in tears over seemingly the smallest thing. Once one starts it's guaranteed that the other will soon follow, and in all sorts of odd places we end up hanging onto each other in floods of tears, even in the toilet! I am not proud, I can cry anywhere!

No doubt there are many reasons for this, some of which are different for each of us, but with the same result. For cleo there is some reaction to the trauma of the stroke (this is a known fact, many people suffer some depression after stroke) and frustration too. She persistently asks herself the question "Why Me?". She also worries about me doing too much, and getting tired, and no doubt is frustrated by not being able to do things herself. For my part I hate to see her struggling like she is, and I am afraid that she might accidentally hurt herself, or that I might do something wrong.

This morning she alluded to the idea that this might all be a bad dream, and next week she would be back to normal and everything would return to how it was five weeks ago. That of course is not to be. Mind you, Bobby Ewing came out the shower didn't he?.....

I would like to mention here, on Christmas day, all the messages and good wishes from all our friends and family. The strength you have given cleo is amazing, and we both thank you all very much.

We too would like like to wish everyone we know a great Christmas, and a propserous and very happy New Year for 2006.