Day 24 - Night and Day

I was up early today. I had arranged to attend the hospital at 9.30 to help OT with cleos getting washed and dressed. In the event when I arrived she was waiting, and in good spirits. She seems to cope well with the days, because there are people around her and there is always something going on, whether it be OT, or physiotherapy, doctors rounds, or visiting.

Nights however are another matter entirely. She has on several occasions admitted that she can cope with the days, but not the nights. I think this is for two reasons. Firstly, that as the end of visiting arrives, the fact that her family are having to leave her alone, and second that the nights are very long, and very boring.

Of course there is little to be done about this, except try to give cleo as much encouragement and focus as we can. Tonight was a good example. I spent 3 hours there this morning; after the dressing practise, we escaped from the ward, and wandered off to a different part of the hospital where we bought sausage rolls and coffee, and just sat at the main entrance, watching the people come and go. When we are together cleo seems to be fine. I really wish i could stay there all the time. Alas that cannot happen of course.

I came home about lunchtime, and on the way managed to arrange a manicure, and hair appointment for next week for her. Hopefully this will give her something to look forward to. I will take her to the hairdressers next Wednesday which will serve to get her out for a couple of hours, and hopefully make her feel better once her nails and hair are done nicely.

Once the kids were home from school we had arranged to visit and decided we would eat in the restaurant together, rather than make dinner at home. We sat for ages, eating, laughing and joking, and doing a crossword. It was a nice family evening.

Suddenly for no reason at about 6.30, as we are talking about the girls homework, and bedtimes, cleo spontaneously burst into tears. Every day at about that time she gets very emotional because the night looms ahead, and the children are soon going to leave. She misses them desperately, and while they put on a brave face, I know they miss her too.

It hurts me to see her like that, uncontrollable tears, sobbing, and sort of asking "why me?".

While the family is there she can manage, but as soon as we leave I think she gets very low. The nights are very long there too, and at the moment she is not too comfortable sleeping, because she hasn't mastered the art of turning over, so has to sleep on her back, and that hurts her spine, so consequently she wakes up quite frequently. This evening, before we left, she asked us to help her undress, and get her nightclothes on. Very often she has to wait for ages for a staff member to do this for her, so it makes sense that we do it.

As we leave, and while driving home which only takes about 15 minutes I get a couple of texts from her, and four or five more in the next half hour. Each one I read tells me how much she misses us, and in one particular text she asked me to say goodnight to "her girls". As a mother, it must be so hard for her: Sarah and Hannah are her life, and right now, that contact which we all have with our children is not there. She sees her kids for a couple or three hours in the evening. It must be awful, and I feel so bad for her, that we can't change this, or find a way round it.

As for me, I just want to bring her home, and hold her in my arms all night, to let her sleep in peace, safe, and without any cares at all. That will happen on Christmas eve, and I just can't wait.

Songbird

I try to quote lyrics that have a meaning, for cleo and I. This is such a beautiful song, and they sort of say what I am feeling right now. Christine McVie, of Fleetwood Mac wrote this and she sings it like no-one else.

For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right

To you, I'll give the world
to you, I'll never be cold
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right.

And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.

And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.

And the songbirds keep singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before, like never before.