Day 23 - Reality Check

Yesterday's time at home with cleo was wonderful. However it also underlined to us both the inherent problems to be faced with having wheelchairs, lack of space, and such like in a "normal" house.

Cleo called me this morning, and she said she had been thinking about this and had come to the conclusion that there were things neither of us had thought about, and that she needed to be sure that I was comfortable with her being at home, in terms of her safety and mobility. Of course given the chance I would have her home right now, but the downside of that would be that we would all work ourselves into a frazzle, and cleo would not benefit from the continued therapy she gets at the hospital. She has admitted to herself that she needs to get as much improvement as possible from that therapy before coming home. While of course therapy is available at home, and we will have that, it is far less specialised than what she gets now. So she accepts she may have to stay at the hospital for a couple of weeks after Christmas, at least, to enable the team there to give as much as they can before she makes the big move home.

Further to that, and a conversation she had with OT this morning we have arranged a full access visit, to the house next week in preparation for Christmas. This will include a technician to add bars and handles where necessary, and any other temporary adaptations that they feel may be helpful.

What we don't want though is too many adaptations, because we don't plan for cleo to be in the chair too long, or become dependent on them. There has to be a balance between that, and making her life easier, and most important safer.

We agreed on the phone that today I would wait till the girls got home before coming to the hospital, because cleo was seeing James at 3pm anyway. We arrived at 4.30, and spent a very pleasant hour and a half in the cafe with tea and scones. cleo seemed to be more realistic about her situation, and because of that was also more relaxed, and in good humour. As we often do, we laughed, with the kids too, and the whole visit was a good one.

Matron said that cleo needs to be "pampered" a little. Who am I to argue? I will arrange a hairdressers appointment, and manicurist for her and take her to get a bit of a makeover in the next few days.

All coming back to me now...

I think today was a turning point in cleo's Road to Recovery: the realisation that while our lives may have changed forever, that we should be realistic about that, not accepting, but prepared to be sensible about where we go from here. I have to say that I am proud she has seen that, because it will make our fight together so much more in tune with each other. To get back to what we had before will be a long and arduous process, but the memories will come back and there is a song that sums up the idea quite well...as sung by Celine Dion.

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow
Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back

There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me
I just hurt you even worse
And so much deeper

There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances
That were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this
And if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
Al coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

(It's all coming back to me now)
And when you kiss me like this
(It's all coming back to me now)
And when I touch you like that
(It's all coming back to me now)
If you do it like this
(It's all coming back to me now)