Day 22 - Tears before bedtime...

Whose tears you're asking? Mine. Let me explain.

Today was always going to be special.

Cleo was coming home for a few hours. The transfers from car to chair etc had all been practised successfully last week, and we both thought we were ready. I know that we were thinking that if this was as simple as it seemed, then we could start making a case for cleo being at home very soon.

Arrived at the hospital about 1.30pm, and cleo, of course was waiting. We set off and left the hospital, and the transfer into the car went well, although I had not dismantled and folded the wheelchair before, so that took a while. Finally off we drove, and it felt so good to have cleo in the car, heading for home.

This is the point where i have to say, to all those people who manage their lives from wheelchairs or similar that I have more admiration for all of you than I thought possible. Of course, if you have a house that has been adapted, or modified then that would make life a little easier of course, but at this point we have none of that.

Arriving at home cleo got out the car and once in the chair we were ready to negotiate the front door. There was the first problem. Not having done this before, it's not easy getting someone in a wheelchair in a relatively small front door, as well as up a small step, and at the same time turning them in a very confined space to get into the lounge.

I have to say I got a little frustrated, but we finally did it. Next thing is that wheelchairs are fine in large spaces, but in a small house like ours, space is at a premium. Of course we are not experienced at this yet, and it will come in time, but every time this afternoon we wanted to move or do something, there were problems. Nothing we couldn't handle, but far more than we had imagined. We sat in the kitchen before the girls got home, shed a few tears together, and had our cup of tea as promised.

All that said, it was just great to have a few hours at home with my cleo, just relaxing. When the girls got in from school, cleo managed to sit on the setee with them and have a cuddle which was nice, and which i know they have all missed.

I went to the fish shop for fish and chips and for the first time in more than 3 weeks we sat around our kitchen table eating dinner as a family. Boy that felt so good.

Some time was also spent online, chatting to friends as well as on the phone and it was a very good afternoon and evening from that point of view. cleo was determined that there would be no tears and stuff, and she had a real need to kiss her children goodnight before they went to bed, again, something that had not happened since she had the stroke: saying goodbye at the hospital is not the same.

Once the kids were safely ready for bed, and the goodnights all said, Sarah was left in charge, and i organised cleo and her stuff to return to the hospital. Again the logistics of moving someone in a chair when you are not used to it is something that few people understand, including me I have to say. We had to try several times to get her out the front door, and by the time she, the chair, and her bag of things were in the car I was soaked with sweat, and thoroughly exhausted. We both agreed that it may NOT be a good thing for cleo to push to get home too early now, as both of us were not aware just how difficult this would be. That of course does not mean that if they said she could go home tomorrow I would refuse. She would be home so fast her feet wouldn't touch the ground. In the cold light of day she has to get the ammunition she needs to be at home; this might include walking a few steps, a little more stability when standing, slightly improved balance and so on. Only the hospital can give her that, and we agreed together that she must focus on those things.

Now, the witching hour at the ward was 10pm, and we arrived with 5 minutes to spare. I left cleo in her room, waiting to get ready for bed, and came home. At this point I sat and thought through the afternoons problems, and as I examined each one, I became a little despondent. I want her home here so badly, I would give anything for that, but I feel so inadequate. I sat here for 10 minutes sobbing my heart out, just because I had never dreamed all these new obstacles would be placed before us. We will of course overcome each and every one, and anyone who doubts that does not know cleo and I at all.

Run to Me, not away from me

When we first met, cleo was very good at running away. I told her then, and have said it many times since, that running away never solves a problem. She must always run TO me never away from me. Bring the trouble to me and we will deal with it, head on, in the best way we can. The lyrics i am quoting are from a Joe Cocker song, called "When the night comes", and include the line " I just wanna be the one you run to"

Hold on
I'll be back for you
It won't be long
But for now there's something else
That's calling me
So take me down a lonesome road
Point me east and let me go
That suitcase weighs me down
With memories

I just wanna be the one you run to
I just wanna be the one you come to
I just wanna be there for someone
When the night comes
Let's put all the cares behind us
And go where they'll never find us
I just wanna be there beside you
When the night comes
When the night comes

Two spirits in the night
That can leave before the morning light
When there's nothing left to lose
And nothing left to fear
So meet me on the edge of town
Won't keep you waiting I'll be 'round
Then you and I
We'll just roll right out of here

I just wanna be the one you run to
I just wanna be the one you come to
I just wanna be there for someone
When the night comes
Let's put all the cares behind us
And go where they'll never find us
I just wanna be there beside you
When the night comes
When the night comes

I know there'll be a time for you and I
Just take my hand and run away
Think of all the pieces of the shattered dream
We're gonna make it out some day
We'll be coming back
Coming back to stay
When the night comes

I wanna be the one you run to
When the night comes
To be the one you'd come to
I wanna be the one you run to
Ooh
I just wanna be the one you run to
Wanna be the one you come to
I just wanna be there for someone
When the night comes
Let's put all the cares behind us
And go where they'll never find us
I just wanna be there beside you
When the night comes
When the night comes
Ah ah when the night comes
When the night rolls down
Ah ah when the night comes
I wanna be with you
Ah ah when the night comes
Oh ah when the night comes in
Ah ah oh
Ah ah when the night comes
When the night comes
Ah ah when the night comes
I wanna be right by your side
Ah ah when the night comes
Yes baby
Ah ah oh
Don't do that to me woman
Ah ah oh
Ever stayed when the night time gets in here
Ah ah when the night comes
I wanna rise and up in the
When the night comes
Ah ah when the night comes
Ah ah oh
Love me

Its not that well known a song, but if you ever get the chance, listen, cos Joe Cocker is a great singer, and this is a song that about sums up many things about cleo and I and how we feel about each other