Days 124,125,126 and 127 - Looking Forward

Another weekend over, and as I suggested previously, rather than write the same thing over and over about the weekends I have left this entry until Monday evening.

Sometimes we all need to feel some self pity: dealing with unusual situations, or new experiences can be both trying and very difficult. In cleo's case there are times when she asks of herself the question "Why Me?". I don't blame her one bit for that. There is no easy answer, and certainly no simple solution. Our emotions have to take over, and this is what happens of course. We try to be strong, and to show that we can cope, which for a while we can, but there does have to be a safety valve. When that point is reached the pressure that has built up needs to be released.

For no apparent reason this afternoon cleo had a tearful moment. I think that it all became a little too much. The "normality" with which we try to live our lives right now in itself creates pressure, and finally there must be release. I honestly don't know how cleo deals with each day as she does anyway, it must be a terrible strain. She does it wonderfully well, but today it all got too much, and the result is an outpouring of emotion. For my part I try to support and help her as best I can, but it is difficult to know quite what she needs sometimes; to be pushed further, or to be wrapped up in cotton wool. That in itself is a judgement that is not easy.

And then why shouldn't she feel sorry for herself? Of course she should. In five seconds on 21st November her life was turned upside down, and inside out, and each day since then has been a battle to overcome that turmoil, and continues to be. For the most part, as I say, she does wonderfully well, but that focus cannot be applied all the time, and when the effort becomes too much, self pity is the result. Furthermore, I am amazed at how infrequently this has happened, again testament to her incredible mental strength and resilience, and the driving force within her that makes her what she is.

I don't think she shows how frustrated she does get every day, at her inability to do certain things; to her great credit she hides that most of the time.

Melanie came early this morning to continue the manipulation of cleo's arm, and worked on that for an hour or so. She will return tomorrow.

There seem to be two main areas of the physical rehabilitation that need work. Firstly her walking, which cleo can do after a fashion now, albeit in a fairly unstable and uncontrolled way. The answer here as I understand it is practise. The main muscles in her leg are responding, but are weakened, and lack tone. The good thing here is that she can actually make her leg do something so that tells me that by using it, working it, and actually walking with it (as James did several times of late using the treadmill at the rehab gym) she will re-learn the techniques, the rhythm, the balance. Those finer points that are presently not working (toes, dynamic response to imbalance etc) I am convinced will return in time. The time that takes is directly related to the amount of effort applied and I am considering a treadmill for home. When we go to the gym with James, i would rather he worked on the "neuro" stuff that may well create something back in her arm and hand, rather than on a relatively simple exercise regime which can be done without him at home.

Secondly of course her arm and hand, which yet has to show any response, although Melanie feels there may be a little spark in a couple of fingers at certain points during her manipulation exercises. If there is to be a return of anything, i am convinced that the best person to do this will be James, with his expertise and experience. The purchase of a treadmill at home frees james to work on the hand and arm, rather than the walking.

Watch this space.

Yesterday was Mothering Sunday in the UK, and Sarah cooked a lovely pasta meal for us this evening (of course I was at work yesterday so it had to be today) to celebrate.

Because Sarah is out next Friday I have taken that night off of work, and so I don't go back to work till next Saturday. We are both looking forward to a long week together. Cleo and i have discussed this thing today about being at home on her own, and she and i both agree that sooner or later she will have to spend some time at home when i am at work, and Sarah is not here. We cannot possibly expect Sarah to be here every weekend, while i am at work. The girl is 18 next friday and of course when she gets to University next year will no doubt have a social life far busier than she does now. In time we will work through that and i am sure that we (and more especially cleo of course) will overcome that particular hurdle.