Day 62 - Roller Coaster Ride

Rehabilitation from stroke is not easy; it tests the victim, and their family to the limit in many ways. Predictable it certainly is not, except to say it will be a roller coaster of emotion.

Since cleo had her stroke we have all ridden that roller coaster in many different ways. For cleo herself there has been the initial coming to terms with what happened, which often takes some time. Those first few days she was rather like a startled rabbit in very bright headlights: almost shocked into an inability to react. Over time as she became more accustomed to the predicament in which she found herself, she also came to understand more each day what was needed to make those steps that are vital in her rehabilitation. All the while of course there are the inevitable self-recriminations, the what-if's, and maybe's: if I had done something differently, or should we have done this or that, or not. None of these make any real difference as we cannot change the past.

The first piece in the jigsaw is to achieve a positive mental attitude: be thankful for what we still have, rather than what we might have lost. Once that is realised it's about starting to work toward specific goals. They may seem small at first, but they have to be achievable. As long as there is some measureable improvement I believe that there is good in that.

It is often easy for us to overlook the effect such an episode has on the children. Sarah, at 17 and Hannah, 11, have been wonderful. I will never forget that first afternoon when I had to tell the girls that their mum was very ill, and that they had to be prepared for a shock when they saw her, because of how she was. In that few minutes they must have been stunned, frightened, unable to quite comprehend what I was saying, and of course scared for their mum. Yes there were tears, and yes there were the inevitable questions; "will she be ok?" and "is she going to die?" While those questions may not all have been asked out loud, I am sure they were thought, as I had thought them too.

From that first moment when they walked into the ward with me the girls have shown a maturity in how they dealt with all this that belies their years. They have been wonderfully helpful to me too, while cleo was in hospital, at times when I needed support and strength I got a lot of that from them. Since cleo has been home they have shouldered responsibility that many children cannot even imagine. Hannah gets up earlier than usual in the morning to help her mum get dressed, and Sarah looks after her mum at weekends while i am at work, as well as doing more washing and ironing than she ever thought was possible every week.

I have tried to always be honest with them, and include them in all the decisions and conversations we have had with the hospital, as well as my concerns, and thoughts about how things were going. It is no good telling them something that is not true, only to have to backtrack the next day.

To the two of them I say thank you for being so understanding of the situation, and of me and my "bear-with-a-sore- head" attitude in the mornings. I am proud to call them my family now, and feel priviliged to be able to protect and look after them as best I can. Cleo is rightly proud of them too, although of course they are testament to how she has brought them up, which only serves to underline a little of the stuff of which cleo is made.

And what of me? Well, I have been to hell and back! Sometimes, in private I have felt so tired, so drained, and so worried, but I have to say that each day now I see more and more of the cleo I knew before the stroke coming back to the fore, not all the time yet, but that will happen without doubt, and as she works to improve her walking, or speech or whatever, that grit, drive and determination that is integral in my cleo's personality will serve her in good stead.

How Can I Prove

How can I prove my love is everything?
When thou hast begged for pain and hurt from me
I know not what I to this union bring
When care is all, but pain is what I see
And what if when the pain is made too deep
Lays heavy in the heart for none to see
The love we swore is far too hard to keep
Stands broken like a leaf blown from the tree
And yet you ask for more each time you speak
The need to be fulfilled is greater still
Though I must never show that I am weak
Each time I raise my hand I sense a thrill
And you alone have led me here to this
Together will we find our pleasures bliss

by Paul Knox