Day 50 - The Long and Winding Road.

This last few days cleo has, in my view made some good physical progress, in terms of her ability to stand and even take a few steps, but something came out this evening in a tearful episode just before bed: she feels trapped (her words not mine). All the things she really wants to do , she cannot. This of course is making her frustrated, and becomes a rather self perpetuating phenomenon.

One of the things she said is that she wants to "run downstairs and make a cup of tea"; well, I am sure that will happen but for now its on hold. I said that this came out in a tearful episode and there have been a few this last couple of days. Emotions of course run high when one is in situation like this, and those emotions cannot be kept under the surface all the time. They will show from time to time, in fact I suggest that they have to. If they are suppressed for too long I am sure that will do no good. Cleo also told me that sometimes she is inclined to "feel sorry for herself". Again I say why not? If we cannot let all this pent up feeling out then it simply festers inside us. Why shouldn't she feel sorry for herself? In 10 seconds on 21st November she went from being an active mum who never stopped, to a person who was totally reliant on others for everything she needed. Now, if that doesnt make us feel a bit sorry for ourselves I dont know what does. She has endured that for 50 days now, and for 50 nights which are far worse, she says. Maybe she should be allowed a little self indulgence?

We are 7 weeks into the Road to Recovery and I feel absolutely sure that we will have many more of these emotional moments, each one will need to be overcome in a slightly different way from the last. I think there is far less availabilty of information and help in respect of the emotional side of dealing with a situation such as this, than there is with the physical. With the physical problem, you can either stand up, or you cannot. If you cannot you fall over. Thats pretty clear cut. Emotional and psychological reaction is entirely different: the brain works in ways we can't even imagine: fears manifest themselves where there were none before, the smallest thing becomes a mountain of impossibilities, and it all comes back to what you cannot do now, that you could before. Psychological reaction is very difficult to predict, and while we might think we know how someone will react, they are always just as likely to surprise us and do something completely different. We always knew this was not a short term thing, and we have to be prepared to meet the challenges head on, and to keep bashing away until we beat them. The Road to Recovery may be long and winding, but we will get there in the end.

After physio today James suggested that he might try using some form of electrical stimulation technique on cleo. There are those who say it works, and those who disagree, but frankly if it begins to help the muscles and nerves fire themselves up then why not? It has to be worth trying at least. We have decided too, that we are going to devote much of the rest of this week in physio to working on cleo's arm and hand. At home we can work on the walking and the balance which we will continue to do, allowing James more time to begin a concerted effort on the hand and the arm.

The Long and Winding Road

The long and winding road that leads to your door
Will never disappear, I’ve seen that road before
It always leads me here, lead me to your door
The wild and windy night that the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears crying for the day
Why leave me standing here, let me know the way
Many times I’ve been alone and many times I’ve cried
Anyway you’ll never know the many ways I’ve tried
And still they lead me back to the long winding road
You left me standing here a long long time ago
Don’t leave me waiting here, lead me to your door
But still they lead me back to the long winding road
You left me standing here a long long time ago
Don’t keep me waiting here, lead me to your door
Yeah yeah yeah