Day 53 - Highs and Lows

As with any kind of traumatic episode that one is trying to recover from, there are always going to be highs, and lows. We have seen this all too many times already in the the last seven weeks or so. We also accept it as a part of cleo's rehabilitation, but, that said it doesn't make it any easier. Take last night for example. As I have said before cleo struggles with the nights: she has some fears which we might think are silly, and which under normal circumstances she would not even give a second thought to. However, right now those fears have become a major focus for her: things like not wanting to go to sleep at night, being on her own, even hearing things that are not there, and getting a little jumpy. Add all this to the highly charged emotional state in which she finds herself right now, and cleo is apt to become very tearful, and almost hysterical about some things. I try to keep her calm, to offer words of comfort and support, but these don't always help. These irrational fears which she sees as so real seem to come to a focus towards the end of the week, as the time comes round for me to go back to work.

Last night she sobbed for ages with me holding her. This was because she was tired, she didn't want to sleep, and the aches and pains of the physical exertions that she puts herself through were obviously getting to her. I feel so powerless at these times. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away; alas I don't. She is frustrated by the lack of ability to walk, or use her hand, by the pains in her arm, and the frustration that she obviously feels in trying to deal with all this every hour of every day. Perhaps some restful sleep might help? Even that is not easy right now.

Confirmed!

When the post came this morning we got the confirmation of our booking for the wedding: 14th Frbruary, 12.00, all done and dusted. I have to say that I can't wait. I spent 20 years in what turned out to be a loveless marriage, and then I finally met my cleo and left the comfort zone in which too many of us shelter afraid to follow our heart. I am glad I made the choice I did, because I just want this woman to be my wife. To be able to say she's Mrs Knox, and know that all those years are finally exorcised, for me will be a wonderful moment. Roll on February 14th.

Electro Stimulation: Someone nicked the batteries?

As we said James had planned to carry out some electro-stimulation of cleo's muscles today. He got the machine all hooked up and it didn't work properly. So, nothing there to write home about. I guess this is all part of the NHS: dealing with stuff that doesn't work. We sort of joked that maybe someone had nicked the batteries from the TENS machine. However it didn't work properly so James worked on cleo's arm and hand for the rest of the time, and we think we may have got a movement, spontaneously albeit, in one of her fingers. Added to that she actually managed to move her arm too, rather shakily, but thats the first time since the stroke, and it shows that something is back there. We have now seen muscle action from her shoulder, and upper arm, so i am hopeful that this is the first sign of movement of at least some kind getting back to the arm. I have to say i was really proud of cleo when she was fighting to lift her arm: it was a struggle, and I know she was tired. Well done the future Mrs K.

Thinking about the future?

Thought this was rather appropriate tonight....

When I get older, losing my hair, many years from now,
Will you still be sending me a Valentine,birthday greetings,
bottle of wine?
If I'd been out 'till quarter to three,would you lock the door?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four?

Hmm------mmm---mmmh.
You'll be older, too.
Aaah, and if you say the word,
I could stay with you.

I could be handy, mending a fuse, when your lights have gone.
You can knit a sweater by the fireside,
sunday mornings, go for a ride.
Doing the garden, digging the weeds, who could ask for more?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty four?

Every summer we can rent a cottage in the Isle of Wight if it's
not to dear. We shall scrimp and save.
Ah, grandchildren on your knee, Vera, Chuck, and Dave.

Send me a postcard, drop me a line stating point of view.
Indicate precisely what you mean to say, yours sincerely wasting away.
Give me your answer, fill in a form, mine forever more.
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty four?

by John Lennon/Paul McCartney