Day 95 - Tough Choices.

CLEO is no doubt improving every day. Her determination and strength are shining examples to anyone who may have suffered a similar illness, that if you have enough focus and desire, pretty much anything can be overcome. Of course this is not all plain sailing. It is impossible to concentrate one's efforts continually for 24 hours every day. When that focus becomes a little blurred, then there are doubts and worries that will inevitably appear.

From quite early on, cleo has worried, as I am sure many do, that she may have another stroke. Every little twinge and ache that she feels, says to her that there might be a blood clot, or similar and that another stroke may be the result. This in itself I am sure must be wearing her down. I only wish that I could take that worry away. She gets tired, yes, through the physical exertions of dealing with her difficulties in walking and moving, and the effort which her body is putting into repairing itself, but I am convinced that much of the tiredness is through what might be described as nervous exhaustion.

Daily I see her struggling to achieve things which would have been (for her) simple before the stroke, which now present major obstacles. She is by nature an independent person, who finds frustration in having to ask for things that for the rest of us are everyday and normal.

Sometimes, we can shelter our loved ones too much. By that I mean, yes, I can go and make the tea, clear up, and do all kinds of other things, but by doing that am I further taking away her independence? Or should I try to let her do things for herself, and see her become frustrated because she cannot always manage. Is it worse if I allow her to start something, and then she has to ask for help when she didn't in the past?

I really am not sure how to approach this one, because I have her best interest at heart all the time: I want to wrap her up in cotton wool, hold her close and say "Don't worry, I will do it all", but will she eventually thank me for that. I doubt it. On the other hand if I let her do things will she become more frustrated if she fails, or worse, put herself in danger in some way.

These choices are not easy. I am not even sure whether I make the right decisions every day, in letting her do things, or doing them for her. It may be that over time we will settle into those choices by a process of elimination, finding out what she can, and cannot do, through experience.

In the meantime I have to say that I lean toward the "wrapping her up in cotton wool" choice, rather than the "let her get on with it" option. Even now I don't know if that's right or wrong. Maybe I should talk to her about it. Who knows. What I know is that I have to try and make the right choices to help cleo's rehabilitation move forward; if I do too much for her then I will undoubtedly slow the recovery down, and that would be the last thing I would want.

I love this woman more than life itself, and the single driving force behind all I do, is that I want to do the best for her that I possibly can. I hope I get it right.